70 times 7

Today I can hear my father whispering in my ear, reminding me of Jesus command to forgive not 7 times, but 70 times 7. I am struggling with this today. My human response to pain is to do anything to prevent it from happening. To forgive means to open up to further hurt, to allow the person to stay in my life and possibly hurt me again. Often God asks us to do the opposite of what makes logical sense. I find that faith is seldom logical at all. It is my eagerness to please the Father that keeps me seeking such things. This forgiveness that He requires of me is the opposite of what makes logical sense to me. I want to cut this person from my life, not just to prevent further hurt but to punish the person for hurting me. God does not give me permission to do this. I must bless those that spitefully use me. Every bit of my flesh desires to punish and run, but my spirit urges me to please my Father in Heaven, who commands again, "70 times 7". No earthly sense can be made of such a requirement. But if I lean on laws of nature instead of spiritual laws, I risk missing the great blessings that come with sowing in the spirit and, simply put, I just plain enjoy pleasing my Father.
God, it is ONLY by Your spirit that I can forgive this time. Any forgiveness that I may have possessed in the natural has been drained. Any ability to forgive that I may have possessed in the natural has been compromised. I no longer have it in me. I am asking for Your forgiveness to rush in like a flood. I have done all I can to stand, and so I stand. I know that if I am obedient, You will handle the logistics. The only hope I have is in You. The only peace I can know is in You. Freely I have been forgiven, freely I will forgive. May You be pleased with what You see. Amen.

UGH!

Okay, I put it off and put it off but I must relent! My concern on a blog is that somebody is going to see how much I am losing my mind. Today, my blog might sing of God's love for me and how I know He hears me and knows my innermost parts, but tomorrow might find me stricken with grief and feeling forgotten by my God. Alas, that is why I identify so closely with David. He was bipolar just like me! I really don't know if it is bipolar as much as it is that I am just so tender. I feel everything around me. I feel everyone's emotions and am moved by them. It is exhausting. But, like David I will dance with all my might. Naked, if I must (eeek)! I abandon all when I worship, just like David. But I also get distracted easily just like David.
God, today, be in my day. Be all around my day. Be at the beginning and end of my day. Most of all, let me see You today! Saturate my day so much that I get to see You in it. Have Your way with my day. Today I call you lover and not master, come be with me my love. I am waiting....

Too many freaks, not enough circuses....

Well, it is a rainy Saturday morning and I am enjoying the wonderful sounds of my children playing with the dog and watching cartoons while taking the opportunity to stay in bed as long as humanly possible. And while I love and adore and desire to protect my children from any possible harm, right outside of my door and sometimes right smack-dab in the middle of my living room, there are some that try to nab my children's innocence at every possible opportunity like a freak lurking in a dark alleyway.

In days long ago, society worked together with parents to protect the innocence of children, now it seems to be a game of who can steal a child's innocence at the earliest possible age. If it isn't embedded somewhere in modern-day cartoons (just animated sit-coms), it lies in wait for them in every corner of the internet, which our school system now wants to make completely available to each child via their own take-home netbook. There is no way my child will have access to a computer that I am not an administrator on. Do they think parents are drunk and high? Now, I know there are plenty of parents that are asleep! And while they slumber, there are thousands of men and women ready, willing and able to entertain their little lovelies. "Too many freaks, not enough circuses", that is my viewpoint and has been ever since my wonderful stint working in the courthouse.



When I was 20, I remember telling people that I wasn't going to have children because bringing children into this world was like taking a child into a bar. Now, the world is much, much worse than it was when I was 20 and I was foolish enough to bring 3 kids into it. Now, I can say that I know my kids are gonna rock this world, but there is still a feeling of guilt for having brought them here. But I will very much enjoy watching them turn this world upside down and maybe then the guilt will subside.



What brings on such emotion today? The article on foxnews.com about Wikipedia and child porn. The fact that it even needs to be discussed about whether or not children are sexual or able to experience sexual things is so........well, there are not even words......it is so far from any sense of reason. That is really a good description of our world......so far from any sense of reason. That is the amazing thing about the 21st century, there seems to be no need for reason anymore. Anything goes. I think the bible says something about that, that men would become lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God. And in man's pursuit of the next level of pleasure, some have turned to children and are now defending it. It is one thing to be sick and to do sick things, but to then try to convince clear-minded individuals to view it as acceptable. Well, I am back to being unable to find words. There are no words because there shouldn't be any. There should not even be a need to define words like pedophilia. And there were other words in that article I had never even heard before. "Well, Julie, you should be more informed." Are you kidding me? I don't need to understand the vocabulary of a pedophile. I have no need to understand such a person, I leave that to law enforcement and pay high taxes to support their work. And, more importantly, my kids do not need definitions of any terms associated with pedophilia or anything remotely related to that subject. NO NEED!!!!!! EVER!!!!! If they want to take courses in COLLEGE on criminal justice or mental illness or the criminal mind, then they can do in-depth research and study all of the vocabulary on such a subject. But my kids are KIDS, they need to play ball in the yard, dig holes and spray the dog with water. And if anyone ever harms my kids, I'll be digging a hole for them in my backyard. And I will sleep like a baby with the dirt still under my fingernails!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just sayin........

Can You Feel It?

I don't know what is going on this week, but it started for me on Sunday. It was an intense worship time and the Pastor confirmed what I was feeling as he proclaimed to the church that the worship seemed more passionate than usual. But this intensity has not gone away for me this week. I haven't walked around with my hands in the air by any means, but feel the urge to pray several times a day. There is an urgency in the air. I don't quite know what it is but I know the spirit continually cries out on our behalf (Romans 8:26) and I am so thankful.

I felt the spirit saying on Sunday that "I will prepare a table for you in the presence of your enemies". I felt the urgency that some in the congregation were feeling like they were fighting a losing battle with the enemy. I felt the spirit saying "You will sit at the table and feast while the enemy is round about you. You will lie down and the enemy will be all around you. You will sleep a sweet sleep and dream sweet dreams." Be encouraged today that you will win the battle. A great woman of God once proclaimed, "God, there is victory in our house because there is victory in your house!"

I don't have a dad. I know it sounds weird but it feels weird to walk around and know that you no longer have a dad. I have always had 2 parents, even if they were not always around. Now I have one. It is a strange feeling. My Dad was an incredibly flawed man in some ways, and perfect in others. He made me feel adored sometimes, and ignored sometimes. I always knew he loved me though, in his way. He was very good to me when he was able to be, very generous and giving. For the past 3 months, he was very ill and nobody knew. It hurts to know that I was not able to be there for him while he was feeling so bad. But I expect it is the way he wanted it since he did not tell anyone. My dad was bigger than life in my eyes. When I was only ten, he went to prison for the 2nd time. He was not released until I was in high school. I remember the shock I felt when I realized he was not really all that tall. I had remembered him being very tall, and the most handsome man EVER. Nick Nolte has always been one of my favorite actors, I think because he reminds me so much of my dad. Ruggedly handsome. My daddy was handsome. And he could play a guitar!!! He loved music more than anything.
My dad was in prison again when he passed. So, no more prison walls for Daddy! He is now free forever. There are a lot of regrets. A whole lot of birthdays where I did not send a card. A whole host of Father's days where I could have showed him what he meant to me but didn't. Do you know how hard it is to stand in a Hallmark store and read card after card of "....you were always there for me daddy..." or "......you've taught me so much..."; cards that just never said what I wanted them to say. I would always get so frustrated and just leave the store. Now, the words just don't seem as important. It was the expression of care that was important. What a slap in the face to my father each father's day that no card came. I am ashamed of that. I have managed to forgive myself. It is a comfort knowing my dad is in heaven and could now care less about wordly things. That really helps me. I have learned now that there are no more excuses, if you care about someone you show them. Period. And I have learned acceptance. Accepting people for who they are and not who I want them to be. Not withholding love when the behavior isn't acceptable. Just loving, loving because we are family and we only get one of those. One mother, one father, one set of siblings. And we didn't get to pick them. So love them no matter what. Accept them just as they are because one day they will be gone. And when someone is gone, the goofy little things that mattered so much before don't seem to matter anymore. Rest daddy. You have earned it. I love you.

God's favorites!

Last Sunday in youth sunday school, we talked about whether or not God has favorites. I think the kids were looking for me to say that He does not. Well, I found that He does. Namely, David was one of God's favorites, referred to in scripture as a man after God's own heart. And the Israelites were God's favorites, His chosen people. So instead of having a nice political discussion about God not having favorites, we talked about how to be His favorite. The neat thing about God is that anyone can be a favorite! How? I looked at some traits of his favorites and found that they REALLY trusted God. Take Job, we all know the story about how everything was taken from him. Yet he proclaimed about his God "though He slay me, still I will trust Him." Now, that is trust!!! Again, David trusted God. In 2 Samuel 12, he fasted and prayed for the child that was dying as a result of his adultery with Bathsheba. After the child died, he arose, washed his face, worshipped God and got something to eat. His servants then wanted to know how it was that he was so desperate while the child was alive but is now eating after the child died. David said "While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether God will be gracious to me, that the child may live? But now he is dead, wherefore shall I fast..." David trusted God and understood that judgment had been handed down as foretold to him in verse 14. He could not change God's mind so it was time to go on. I want this kind of trust in God. He knew he had sinned and that there were consequences to that sin. He knew God was just and he trusted in Him. I want God to say about me that I was after His heart!!!

Beloved

I cannot continue on in this blog without talking about the title which is so near to my heart. I feel like God's most favorite and that is why I call myself beloved. Just like the verse says, I was not beloved but He called me beloved. I was and still am the "chief of all sinners" as Paul put it, and yet He still accepts me. How? The Bible says "For He hath made Him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him." (2 Corinthians 5:21) A very funny lady I use to work with was very passionate about the fact that "church people" set the standards too high and that she just wished they would lower the mark just a little bit because she knew she would never be able to reach it. I didn't realize then what I know now. WE DON'T HAVE TO REACH IT! Jesus reached it for us! He who set the standard was the standard. Then, He gladly accepted our failures and gave to us His success! There is no big secret to this grace, it is by faith alone. I cannot and did not earn this grace. I am the chief of all sinners. It is a free gift offered to me. And this same Savior has white robes just for me. Because I am pure?? NO! Because HE is pure.
I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine. (Song of Solomon 2:16)