I don't have a dad. I know it sounds weird but it feels weird to walk around and know that you no longer have a dad. I have always had 2 parents, even if they were not always around. Now I have one. It is a strange feeling. My Dad was an incredibly flawed man in some ways, and perfect in others. He made me feel adored sometimes, and ignored sometimes. I always knew he loved me though, in his way. He was very good to me when he was able to be, very generous and giving. For the past 3 months, he was very ill and nobody knew. It hurts to know that I was not able to be there for him while he was feeling so bad. But I expect it is the way he wanted it since he did not tell anyone. My dad was bigger than life in my eyes. When I was only ten, he went to prison for the 2nd time. He was not released until I was in high school. I remember the shock I felt when I realized he was not really all that tall. I had remembered him being very tall, and the most handsome man EVER. Nick Nolte has always been one of my favorite actors, I think because he reminds me so much of my dad. Ruggedly handsome. My daddy was handsome. And he could play a guitar!!! He loved music more than anything.
My dad was in prison again when he passed. So, no more prison walls for Daddy! He is now free forever. There are a lot of regrets. A whole lot of birthdays where I did not send a card. A whole host of Father's days where I could have showed him what he meant to me but didn't. Do you know how hard it is to stand in a Hallmark store and read card after card of "....you were always there for me daddy..." or "......you've taught me so much..."; cards that just never said what I wanted them to say. I would always get so frustrated and just leave the store. Now, the words just don't seem as important. It was the expression of care that was important. What a slap in the face to my father each father's day that no card came. I am ashamed of that. I have managed to forgive myself. It is a comfort knowing my dad is in heaven and could now care less about wordly things. That really helps me. I have learned now that there are no more excuses, if you care about someone you show them. Period. And I have learned acceptance. Accepting people for who they are and not who I want them to be. Not withholding love when the behavior isn't acceptable. Just loving, loving because we are family and we only get one of those. One mother, one father, one set of siblings. And we didn't get to pick them. So love them no matter what. Accept them just as they are because one day they will be gone. And when someone is gone, the goofy little things that mattered so much before don't seem to matter anymore. Rest daddy. You have earned it. I love you.