I don't have a dad. I know it sounds weird but it feels weird to walk around and know that you no longer have a dad. I have always had 2 parents, even if they were not always around. Now I have one. It is a strange feeling. My Dad was an incredibly flawed man in some ways, and perfect in others. He made me feel adored sometimes, and ignored sometimes. I always knew he loved me though, in his way. He was very good to me when he was able to be, very generous and giving. For the past 3 months, he was very ill and nobody knew. It hurts to know that I was not able to be there for him while he was feeling so bad. But I expect it is the way he wanted it since he did not tell anyone. My dad was bigger than life in my eyes. When I was only ten, he went to prison for the 2nd time. He was not released until I was in high school. I remember the shock I felt when I realized he was not really all that tall. I had remembered him being very tall, and the most handsome man EVER. Nick Nolte has always been one of my favorite actors, I think because he reminds me so much of my dad. Ruggedly handsome. My daddy was handsome. And he could play a guitar!!! He loved music more than anything.
My dad was in prison again when he passed. So, no more prison walls for Daddy! He is now free forever. There are a lot of regrets. A whole lot of birthdays where I did not send a card. A whole host of Father's days where I could have showed him what he meant to me but didn't. Do you know how hard it is to stand in a Hallmark store and read card after card of "....you were always there for me daddy..." or "......you've taught me so much..."; cards that just never said what I wanted them to say. I would always get so frustrated and just leave the store. Now, the words just don't seem as important. It was the expression of care that was important. What a slap in the face to my father each father's day that no card came. I am ashamed of that. I have managed to forgive myself. It is a comfort knowing my dad is in heaven and could now care less about wordly things. That really helps me. I have learned now that there are no more excuses, if you care about someone you show them. Period. And I have learned acceptance. Accepting people for who they are and not who I want them to be. Not withholding love when the behavior isn't acceptable. Just loving, loving because we are family and we only get one of those. One mother, one father, one set of siblings. And we didn't get to pick them. So love them no matter what. Accept them just as they are because one day they will be gone. And when someone is gone, the goofy little things that mattered so much before don't seem to matter anymore. Rest daddy. You have earned it. I love you.

God's favorites!

Last Sunday in youth sunday school, we talked about whether or not God has favorites. I think the kids were looking for me to say that He does not. Well, I found that He does. Namely, David was one of God's favorites, referred to in scripture as a man after God's own heart. And the Israelites were God's favorites, His chosen people. So instead of having a nice political discussion about God not having favorites, we talked about how to be His favorite. The neat thing about God is that anyone can be a favorite! How? I looked at some traits of his favorites and found that they REALLY trusted God. Take Job, we all know the story about how everything was taken from him. Yet he proclaimed about his God "though He slay me, still I will trust Him." Now, that is trust!!! Again, David trusted God. In 2 Samuel 12, he fasted and prayed for the child that was dying as a result of his adultery with Bathsheba. After the child died, he arose, washed his face, worshipped God and got something to eat. His servants then wanted to know how it was that he was so desperate while the child was alive but is now eating after the child died. David said "While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether God will be gracious to me, that the child may live? But now he is dead, wherefore shall I fast..." David trusted God and understood that judgment had been handed down as foretold to him in verse 14. He could not change God's mind so it was time to go on. I want this kind of trust in God. He knew he had sinned and that there were consequences to that sin. He knew God was just and he trusted in Him. I want God to say about me that I was after His heart!!!

Beloved

I cannot continue on in this blog without talking about the title which is so near to my heart. I feel like God's most favorite and that is why I call myself beloved. Just like the verse says, I was not beloved but He called me beloved. I was and still am the "chief of all sinners" as Paul put it, and yet He still accepts me. How? The Bible says "For He hath made Him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him." (2 Corinthians 5:21) A very funny lady I use to work with was very passionate about the fact that "church people" set the standards too high and that she just wished they would lower the mark just a little bit because she knew she would never be able to reach it. I didn't realize then what I know now. WE DON'T HAVE TO REACH IT! Jesus reached it for us! He who set the standard was the standard. Then, He gladly accepted our failures and gave to us His success! There is no big secret to this grace, it is by faith alone. I cannot and did not earn this grace. I am the chief of all sinners. It is a free gift offered to me. And this same Savior has white robes just for me. Because I am pure?? NO! Because HE is pure.
I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine. (Song of Solomon 2:16)

Summer

Well, summer has begun and I am miserable. I love summer but I hate not being with my kids. Why couldn't I have been born rich???
My friend, Leigh, has a longer road to healing than we expected. I haven't called her because I truly don't know what to say. I hate this for her and for her family. I cannot even begin to imagine how she is feeling. I would be ticked off!!!! Actually, I like to think I would go in to a time of fasting and prayer and then on to some natural food treatments, but how could a person even begin to know how they would react to such news?
I think she is going to lose her hair, so that means we all may have to shave our heads. We can't let her go through this alone!!! NO WAY! What kind of friends would that make us?
We are here for you Leigh! We will Sinead O'Conner it up together!

I created this blog in response to a close friend that is getting ready to begin the long road to healing from breast cancer. She is a beautiful woman and a great friend. It is very hard to watch someone hurt so much and not be able to help them and not really know if anything you are doing is helping or hurting. I just wanted a place to talk about the feelings of being a witness to such catastrophic events in the life of someone you love. A place to share the shock that something like this can happen to someone so young and someone so close to me. You see, there are friends I still get to see that I went to high school with. We spent some time apart as we were all beginning our families and lives, but several years ago we started getting together again regularly. It has been a lifeline for me. As I struggle in my adult life with being "likeable" or making "friends" only to have them walk away for one reason or the other, these friendships have become something I can really count on. It means more to me than I can even express in words. These women love me even though I can be very obnoxious and over-bearing, traits that often drive people away from me before they ever really get to know me. And now one of them is suffering and I don't know how to help her. Just a call now and then to see how she is, prayer, and many, many thoughts. Leigh, this if for you and for all of my friends from our girls-night-out group. Being a woman is so complicated and not near as much fun as it looks!